Marriage Advice Every Newly Married Couple Must Know.
Christian Couples with 31+ years of Happy, Healthy, Successful experience share 31 Lessons learned in Marriage.
Let’s explore some of their best Christian marriage advice for newlyweds!
Through the happy days of romance, love warms you, fills you, and lifts you to new heights.
Congratulations on your new wedding!
Marriage mirrors God’s relationship with His people.
Successful marriages require way more than physical attraction, love, and common interests.
Like the torch in a hot air balloon, romantic love gives you the thrill of seeing your loved one from 10,000 feet as your love soars.
Once the marriage begins, however, the rubber meets the road.
The hot air balloon lands. Reality sets in.
The daily walk, together, on the ground, is about to begin.
Here are 31 must know practical, Christian marriage advice for newlyweds that will help you through the new, daily journey that you are beginning with your spouse.
Use this proven best biblical marriage advice for newlyweds to build a strong foundation for your relationship.
1. Learn About Each Other
The first marriage advice for newlyweds is to make genuine efforts to learn all you can about each other.
Now that the soaring thrill ride of engaged love has “landed,” it’s time to get down to earth and get to know your spouse.
As you walk with them on the ground from up close, take time to learn the fine-tuned details of who your spouse is.
Here’s a link to Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict.
Find out your spouse’s likes and dislikes, favorite foods, daily habits, childhood stories, and special quirks.
You are now a team so you need to learn and know all you can about your spouse to build a strong marriage foundation.
Tell each other stories from your growing up years or college days.
Try to learn something new daily. This helps set a firm foundation.
Make a commitment to understanding much stuff about your spouse well.
Here’s a link to; The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts.
“Many conflicts would be effectively avoided if you do your best to get to learn about each other,” is one marriage advice for newlyweds from a lady married for 32 years.
Build on the special bond between two of you and strive to be each others BFF.
2. Get To Know Each Other’s Personalities
Adjusting to living with each other initially may be difficult.
It is necessary and essential to patiently understand your spouse to avoid even the smallest conflicts that could erupt into bigger ones.
An excellent tool for learning about your spouse is taking a personality test.
A personality test is aimed at improving interpersonal relationships, and promoting positive attitudes towards people who are different, in the areas of understanding, appreciation and respect.
Tests like DISC, Enneagram personality test assessments, 16 Personalities tests, Nanaya, the 5 love languages, or the Gothman Institute’s Relationship Quiz are some tests you can try.
They can help you get started in discovering new realities about your spouse.
What activities energize your spouse? It’s better to know for real than to guess.
Here’s a link to Dr. John Gottman’s “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide.”
What stresses him or her? How does he respond in conflicts, and what are her needs?
Personality tests can help you and your spouse find out a lot about each other.
It opens up the line of communication so that you can be able to talk about everything and anything.
3. Don’t Make Assumptions
On marriage advice for newlyweds, Vera married for 32 years stated; “Making assumptions can RUIN even the best relationship.”
This is a guide to that crucial first year: The Newlywed’s Instruction Manual: Essential Information, Troubleshooting Tips, and Advice for the First Year of Marriage.
Our knee-jerk reaction is to assume that other people have the same motives, desires, reactions, and reasons for doing things as we have.
Personality tests can help you understand situations from your spouse’s point of view.
They give you insights into his or her real thought patterns and motivations.
This will help you avoid making assumptions about your spouse.
Instead of making assumptions in any situation, always get a clarification on any unclear conversation, spoken and unspoken words, and doubts.
By all means, please don’t be a mind reader!
4. Talk About Household Chores
Try not to make assumptions in the area of chores.
In your family of origin, Dad may have more hands-on, washed the dishes, cooked meals, and taken out the trash.
In your spouse’s family, they may have had a protective wife who wouldn’t allow her husband in the kitchen.
Some families assume men will mow the lawn; others assume the woman will.
What about cleanliness? To some, it’s important to scrub until every speck of dirt is gone.
Other families are comfortable with casual and occasional cleaning.
Here’s a link to help make these tasks easy to complete; home cleaning ideas.
Make sure you bring these topics out into the open as soon as possible in the relationship and have a plan in these areas.
Adjusting and willing to compromise here and there will help reduce a lot of fighting in making sure household chores are completed; marriage advice for newly weds from Liz married close to 32 years.
5. Learn About Perpetual Conflicts
The topic of chores is an area that the Gottman Institute would label as a solvable conflict.
If you discuss this issue with clarity and compassion and come to a mutual compromise, the topic can be easily solved.
But The Gottman Institute provides food for thought when it says that some types of conflicts are not solvable.
While solvable conflicts are simple logistical challenges or differences of opinion that can be fixed by discussing them,
unsolvable problems are clashes between personalities or values that will come up over and over and will never truly go away except with divine intervention.
Gottman suggests approaching these issues topics with continuing dialogue.
He recommends “humor, affection, and even amusement, to actively cope with the unresolvable problem, rather than allowing it to fall into the condition of gridlock.”
Being honest about unsolvable problems can help you not to waste time and energy worrying about things that cannot be changed.
This link has a good resource on managing conflicts –Marriage Conflict: Talking as Teammates (31-Day Devotionals for Life)
7. Confront Feelings of Shame
In a new marriage, many newlyweds battle feelings of insecurity.
Inadequacy lurks around every corner.
Am I good enough for my spouse? Am I pretty enough, funny enough, adventuresome enough?
We wonder if we have what it takes to make our spouse happy for the rest of our lives.
All these questions boil down to one thing: Shame.
It is important to learn about shame and uncover sources of shame in your childhood.
It is equally important to celebrate the fact that no one is perfect except God.
Otherwise, shame will put up its hurtful and damaging defense mechanism: Contempt.
7. Develop A “No Contempt” Policy In Marriage
Contempt is a common smokescreen that shields us against the painful feeling of shame.
Lashing out disdainfully at others’ quirks is a common way to alleviate the nagging discomfort of shame.
When two people live under one roof for the first time, they discover surprising things about one another that they never knew before piece by piece.
Some of those things may be good, and some of them may not be so good and peaceful.
Make a point to never respond to your spouse’s quirks with disrespect, contempt, or scorn.
Dr. Dan Allender, a prominent Christian therapist says that couples must have “a loyal commitment to a zero-contempt relationship. No matter the issue, no matter its importance, contempt must be viewed as dangerous as lighting a match to look into a gas tank.”
8. Be Proactive About Conflicts
Dr. Allender goes on, “Contempt arises like smoke from the fire of shame.”
Shame is the fire and contempt is the smoke, and you will need to develop a “smoke detector” in your marriage.
Meet proactively at least once a week to discuss issues, hurts, sins, conflicts, and things that have been unsaid that need to be addressed.
Make sure these issues are detected early, while they are still small and healthy.
Try to uncover feelings of inadequacy before they explode into an incendiary.
James 5:16 – Confess [your] faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed.
According to author Gary Thomas, in “Sacred Marriage” “We have to stop asking of marriage what God never designed it to give — perfect happiness, conflict-free living, and idolatrous obsession.”
Instead, he invites us to see how God can use marriage as a discipline and a motivation to love God more and reflect more on the character of His Son, together as a couple.
9. Trust And Respect Each Other Including Each Other’s Space
“A marriage without trust is like a car without gas, you can stay in it as long as you want, but it won’t go anywhere.” -Unknown
No relationship can thrive without trust and respect.
Couples should feel safe with each other.
Your spouse should be confident that they are with someone they can completely trust and confide their feelings, thoughts, worries, and concerns to.
Married couples are one flesh and joined together in Christ for life, therefore they should understand what respecting boundaries is early in the relationship.
Yet at the same time, they are also individually created children of God.
Your spouse may need time to be alone with God or just to reflect, decompress, or relax.
Allow your spouse some space and don’t seek to manipulate or demand every minute of his or her time.
Philippians 2:3-4 reminds us, “In humility consider others more important than yourselves.
Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others.”
The bible says we are to “Do unto others as you want them to do unto you.”
In other words, this means that you treat your spouse in the same way you would want to be treated.
Having respectable boundaries in your marriage fosters trust and belief.
Love and respect are the foundations of relationships.
Here’s a link to a great resource; Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs.
“Respecting your spouse includes not saying bad things or discussing them with other people, friends, family, co-workers, etc,” another marriage advice for newlyweds from Laura – married for 34 years.
10. Don’t Let Marriage Become An Idol
The thrill and closeness that marriage can bring are meant to be a breathtaking picture of our special relationship with Christ.
At the same time, we can’t begin to assume that marriage itself is our relationship with Christ or that our spouse is our god or ultimate focus.
“Our spouse is not our ultimate place of fulfillment,” stated another lady with 40 years marriage experience on biblical advice for newly weds.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer encourages Christians to be careful not to make human love an end in itself.
He describes the dangerous thinking patterns of idolatrous love: “Nothing, not even the truth, must come between” the two lovers.
The only goal of life, to which everything else must bend, is “the other person, his company, his answering love.”
When we think like this, our relationship is unhealthy and in danger.
11. Get Excited About God’s Work In Your Spouse
In the middle of daily stresses and conflicts that come with jobs, careers, housework, chores, and kids, it can be easy to lose sight of the beauty of what Christ is doing in your spouse’s life.
Try to catch a glimpse of the exciting work God is doing.
The similarity in beliefs, goals, and objectives are virtues in any relationship, but it’s good for any spouse to appreciate any positive attitude or change towards a greater knowledge of Christ by the other spouse.
Trust the ways God can change your spouse!
12. Pray Together
As children of God, one of the most important things you can do with your new spouse is to talk to your Heavenly Father together.
Short Daily devotionals with bible passages sometimes will encourage couples to pray together.
This is a link to a very good one we are using now:
Newly married couples must know that relationships have plenty of bumps along the way, and prayer is the shock absorber that helps make the journey a little less difficult.
Practically, try going on a prayer walk together. Hold hands and pray.
Here’s a link to Joel and Victoria Osteen’s “Our Best Life Together: A Daily Devotional for Couples.”
Colossians 4:2 instructs us to “Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving.” ESV
Start the morning with prayer. End the day with prayer. A family that prays together stays together, they say.
Pray about fears, difficulties, conflicts, and decisions. Surprise each other by calling to pray together.
Make prayer a part of your everyday experience with your spouse.
The Bible agrees that when people pray together their petitions are heard by God:
Matthew 18:19: “Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching anything that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.” KJV
13. Pray For Each Other
Similar to the last point, this point emphasizes an important lesson learned in marriage.
Prayer is a powerful tool to touch the heart of your spouse—and to change your own heart in the process.
In moments of conflicts or discord, your knee-jerk reaction may be rehashing the situation in your mind or with your words.
Instead of mulling, try turning to Christ with the conflict. Pray for your spouse.
This is probably the best marriage advice for newlyweds.
In his book, Life Together, Bonhoeffer said we should “speak to Christ more about a brother than to a brother about Christ.”
In other words, talk to God about your spouse even more than you talk to your spouse about problems, issues, or concerns.
Bring your spouse’s hopes, dreams, failures, sins, and struggles to the Lord in prayer.As you do, you may see that God wants to change you as well.
14. Compliment One Another
Go out of your way to express thankfulness for your spouse.
Speak words of gratefulness directly to your husband or wife, and intentionally speak well of them to others within their earshot.
Keeping a gratitude journal about your spouse will help you have compliments at your fingertips. Writing a thank you heartfelt sweet note, a gift or card are simple ways of expressing thankfulness.
This journal has very good reviews; “100 Days of Grace & Gratitude: A Devotional Journal.”
Commit to doing these often. People like to be appreciated.
Even before your children are born, create traditions, rituals, and habits of celebration for your household.
Special surprise or moment on a birthday morning, an Advent chain counting down the days to Christmas, caroling to neighbors,
taking walks together or getting up by candlelight on Christmas morning are simple acts that can help bond your new family together.
Start by combining holiday traditions from your families of origin.
Then brainstorm and research ideas to form new traditions of your very own.
16. Look For Ways To Serve
Doing dishes, filling glasses of water, checking the doors at night, balancing the checkbook, fueling, washing, and maintaining the car are simple ways to show your spouse you care.
Decide to fix breakfast so that your partner could sleep longer.
Have the mindset that you are a team and you are in this together and find ways to intentionally serve each other.
But What About More Sacrificial acts?
We can imitate Christ’s self-giving love when we do distasteful tasks such as cleaning the bathroom, dealing with rodents and insects, or fixing the plumbing.
17. Forgive Early And Often
Couples who have been married for many years share lessons they have learned in their marriage.
They all say that forgiveness is a very important and practical aspect of a long-lasting marriage relationship.
Every human being has the capacity to sin.
In any marriage, even the most peaceful, couples will definitely sin against each other.
As Christians, we do not grant our spouse forgiveness because they deserve it, but as an act of mercy and grace covered by unconditional love.
It is very important that you continually forgo the hurts you go through caused by your spouse and resolve to start the relationship afresh.
Here’s a resource recommended by Rhoda married for 33 years; “Forgiveness Is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope.”
One of the most important lessons newly married couple must grasp is forgiveness.It’s better to forgive quickly rather than holding on to a grudge.
And it’s better to assume the best and forgive as a knee-jerk reaction rather than assuming the worst.
18. Confess When You Are Wrong
Confession is often very hard but very necessary.
A seasoned spouse shares, “If I am wrong, I have to say so.
Staying angry or insisting on my own rights is not an option.
Over the years, this has been a struggle, but practice does make it come a little easier and more quickly.”
Dr. Bonnie Badenoch explains that couples become more resilient every time they work to repair a “break in connection.”
Couples who have worked to repair their broken bonds can actually feel closer after the reconciliation than before the conflict happened.
19. Common Goals
Early in your marriage, seek to clarify common goals, values, dreams, and desires.
When your family has joint goals and you are all working together to meet them, a special bond will be created.
20. Managing Careers
As you create joint goals, seek to understand your spouse’s independent career goals.
How can you work to help your spouse succeed in their career?
How can you each support each other in your individual goals and dreams?
Make sure to clarify early in your marriage the role that careers will play in your lives.
Prioritize spending time together outside of work.
Work together to establish work schedules that are best for your union.
Be an encourager to your spouse. Be their best cheerleader.
21. Start Investigating Child-Rearing
Couples may imagine that they will have years to get to know each other, pursue careers, and casually learn about child-rearing before children will arrive on the scene.
But some couples are surprised by how quickly God sends little ones into their lives and families.
Start right away to define your shared values regarding child-rearing.
“What to Expect When You’re Expecting” and “We’re Pregnant! The First Time Dad’s Pregnancy Handbook,” give insights on how a husband and a wife can approach and participate in the pregnancy experience with confidence.
Research different issues related to raising children, and be clear about your shared values in this area.
Get genuine advice from your wise parents especially mothers and trusted friends who have been there.
22. Be Proactive In Your Relationship With God
A couple who has been married for forty years shares a lesson learned in marriage.
They say, “We emphasize the centrality of God and Scriptures to our home and life.
We try to let God’s words be continually in our mouths and to talk of them when we sit in our house, when we walk by the way, when we lie down, and when we rise up.
We spend time reading God’s word privately and together, and also work on hiding God’s word in our hearts through memorization.”
One of the best biblical advice for newlyweds is to read His word together. The word of God has positive impact in changing hearts and keeping people humble.
23. Be Careful About Expectations
Young couples often enter marriage with rosy-colored dreams and great expectations for their marriage, life, and relationship.
Mike Bechtle shares, “When we have expectations of what needs to happen, we’ll usually be disappointed.”
Instead of forming unrealistic expectations that will later be broken, he encourages couples to “replace expectations with expectancy.”
Filled with expectancy for what God will do in our relationship, we can free ourselves from unreasonable expectations and demands.
24. Express Healthy Curiosity
Be curious about your spouse’s day, experiences, feelings, job, or childhood.
Ask questions and seek to understand.
Even during challenging conversations, allow your mind to be curious about what your spouse might be thinking or feeling.
Wonder out loud or silently about the feelings or experiences that may be causing the words or reactions that your spouse is portraying.
Dr. Steve Call in his book; “reconnect: insights and tools for cultivating meaningful connection in your marriage,” explains that “curiosity… fosters understanding and connection.”
25. Do Things Together
Doing things together is a piece of practical marriage advice for newlyweds.
During the early days and weeks of marriage, every daily activity of life can be an invitation to connect.
If one of you has a chore, see if you can do it together.
Both of you can chat while you do the dishes.
You can take a bath or shower together.
You can cook together, watch each other do art or woodworking, or hand each other tools while fixing the car or things around the house.
Whatever you are doing, do it together.
Life will happen, children will come, and this will become impossible or more difficult later.
Take advantage of the opportunity that you have to share the everyday experiences of life right NOW.
26. Face To Face Finances
Figuring out and managing your finances early is probably one of the best marriage advice for newlyweds.
Don’t allow financial issues to come to a head before you discuss them.
Discuss ALL your debts including credit cards, student loans, car notes, etc.
The ultimate goal would be to strive to become debt-free.
Be proactive in setting up and communicating about your budget and priorities.
Have a frequent face to face check-ins to talk about finances and other matters.
When it comes to large decisions on finances, always make joint decisions.
17 best practical financial advice for newlyweds will give you tips on how to handle money matters from day one.
Decide together how to manage any student loans, credit card debts, paying house bills, etc.
Have a clear understanding of how to manage bank accounts, whether joint or separate accounts or both.
Who will be responsible for actually paying the bills after the funds are apportioned?
What about your parents? Would they need help? Decide how you will accommodate extended family expenses if applicable.
Remember, it’s no longer MY money, it’s now OUR money.
27. Remember The Events That Are Important To Your Spouse
To some newlyweds, it is extremely important that their spouse remember the one-month anniversary of their marriage and the one-year anniversary of their first date or their engagement or other dates that are special.
Do your best to set a reminder on your phone so you will not forget these important days.Marriage advice for newlyweds from Linda – 36 years in marriage.
When the anniversary rolls around, respond with a simple card, back rub, flowers, words of appreciation, or another gift that would be meaningful to your spouse.
Keep in mind holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries of deaths or traumas your spouse may have experienced.
Be extra gentle on those days and seek ways to encourage your spouse.
28. Talk About Your Spiritual Life
Deuteronomy 6:7 says to talk about God’s word “when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed, and when you are getting up.”
To some people, it may seem very personal to talk about your spiritual journey with your spouse.
But talking about God together will help you stay accountable and will help you grow in your closeness to God and each other.
Talk about the church you will be attending and how involved you are going to be. This marriage advice for newlyweds should be agreed on before you start having children. It’s very important for families to worship together.
Know preachers your spouse likes to listen to, what songs they like, and sometimes just watch or listen together.
29. Talk To Your Spouse About Your Temptations
This may seem counterintuitive, but Laurie Krieg emphasizes the importance of talking to your spouse about your temptations.
Rather than pulling away in shame or fear, come to your spouse and start to talk.
Lauri Krieg says, “Temptation grows in isolation and silence… Simply opening my mouth and sharing what I’m thinking about” is a powerful tool for healing. https://lauriekrieg.com/temptation-in-a-pandemic-4-tools-im-using/
30. Play Together
In his book, Reconnect, Dr. Steve Call, makes an ultimatum: “Play together to stay together.”
He suggests that couples play together three times a week for ten minutes.
Another marriage advice for newlyweds revolves over finding hobbies that you and your spouse both enjoy.
And it doesn’t have to be expensive or complex.
Playing could mean watching a sunset together, taking a walk, or having a pleasant chat.
No matter what it means for you, emphasize spending special time together, even when the honeymoon’s over.
31. Intimacy is Vital and Very Important
“What is a successful marriage if it’s sexless or sex-starved?” asks Linda, married for close to 32 years
Sex is a symbol of unity in marriage. It binds couples together.
Sex was designed for marriage, despite what current culture says and was ordained by God.
Dr. Kevin Leman in his book, in his book; Sheet Music: “Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage,” offers a practical guide to sex according to God’s plan.
This frank, straight-to-the-point, and practical book is a perfect resource with tons of marriage advice for newlyweds and engaged couples.
In order to avoid sexual immorality, sex should be frequent and mutual.
1 Corinthians 7:5 – Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
No matter what your schedules are, make this an IMPORTANT aspect of your marriage and when you partake, let it be special, no hurry, and let it be a mix of however you both like it!
Sex should be honored, cherished, and enjoyed as a gift from God and moreover, you should not be ashamed to express yourself.
In conclusion, proactively implementing this marriage advice for newlyweds and always being open,
intentionally and responsibly willing to work on your relationship can help newlywed couples build a lasting, strong, and satisfying relationship.
As always, sending lots of love and blessings your way…….